How to Get Yourself Out Of Quiapo In Five Minutes, Give or Take

True story: I did not mean to fall asleep that day. Really.

I was just clueless, you see, since the jeepney had gone past Espana and I couldn't see the University of Santo Tomas anywhere. Then the barker started calling out for Pier 15, which I should have taken as a sign that Something Was Wrong.

So of course I had to ask where I was, and the person next to me said that I was, indeed, in Quiapo.

Cue the alarms and claxons in my head: Oh, no! I just missed my stop, and now I'm carrying a laptop bag in Quiapo! Whatsoever must I do now? 

So I did what anyone in my position would do: Get off the jeepney, put on the Intense Face, and hold on to my laptop bag for dear life so I won't turn into another casualty at the hands of pickpockets.

The rest just kicked in:
  • Walk as fast as possible. You are not taking a leisurely seaside stroll on Waikiki, and neither is everyone else. Do not smile. Do not make eye contact. Do not even let anyone touch you. 
  • You can, of course, ask for directions, but do not blame yourself for getting confused if where you need to go is right in front of you. 
  • If the person you're talking to asks you if you're blind - because the jeepney stop is right in front of you, and you have no idea - do not answer politely. Just be frank: "No, I'm just new to this neighborhood. Now will you tell me how exactly I'm supposed to chase down that jeepney?"
  • It's OK to chase after a jeepney here. It's also OK to ask the driver if he's going where you need to go, and get off ASAP if he's not. That's called "logic." 
  • Nobody cares if the jeepney that you need to take is at the very entrance of the underpass. And neither should you.  
Lesson learned: Don't fall asleep on a jeepney ever again. Ever.

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