Excerpt of The Week: Nominated (The Screnzy Version)

To celebrate my first-year triumph in Script Frenzy, I am posting not one, not two, but three excerpts from the last known draft of Nominated. Personally, I'm proud of this because it's my first screenplay, and proof that I can conquer this whole writing business... but I'm much prouder of the writing process that I went through in keeping both the plot and the characters in line. Of course, there will be some parts in this entry where I can't help but comment, but for the most part I'll let the work speak for itself.

Apologies in advance for the bad grammar, though, which I will correct once it's ready for review.

What do you think? Sound off in the Comments or send me a tweet at @stella_meimei.

(Copyright 2012 by Stella Torres. This entry is protected by a Creative Commons License for non-commercial use with attribution.) 


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When Claire first enters the bar, there seems to be an air of passivity about her; she thinks that she knows what she's doing, but she can't help feeling insecure next to all the decadence. It's a little girly, and slightly derivative: Look at all the hot and sexy people in here, she seems to be thinking, how am I going to measure up to that? 

And still, she keeps walking. 



Then she finds Michael in the back of the room, and she remembers why she's there. She says that "it's not that hard" to find him in a dark and crowded bar, but considering how she - and the reader - encounters Michael, you have to wonder if she really means it... or if she's letting her insecurities get the best of her.

Seeing Michael for the first time here isn't exactly much of a confidence-builder, either. Despite the casual and relaxed appearance, there's something about the beard and the bourbon that doesn't fit right; when he looks up, it's clear that he and Claire have a history - and some tension - but not enough of an indication that he's happy to see her.

Then this happens...

Ouch. 

But here's the thing: Claire and Mike both live in LA, and practically work in the same field. Her email address as a news reporter is available to the public, or at least it should be. Obviously Claire does not work the entertainment beat at her station, so she wouldn't see Mike as much. Mike, on the other hand, would have been spending most of his time on location shoots, so it would be understandable if he never gets to watch the local news more often. And yet, how is it that it's only now that they get a hold of her, after what seems like decades of not seeing each other?

This is where the mental casting notes come in - filling in the blanks to see who gets to play whom, how the lines get delivered, who can convince you the most that this is happening to two people and not some random cartoon characters. It's hard to eliminate descriptive narration and inner monologues in screenplays, but trust me - if you're anything like me, who always runs out of adjectives to describe what's going on, cutting your teeth on a screenplay or script always helps. 

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