Excerpt of the Week: Right Here, Right Now (FINALLY!)

And now... the first two scenes of the screenplay I've been writing in the last few.




[snip]


(Image credits: me, via Celtx)


What I like: The use of details to show where these guys are in their lives: punch stains on Adam's tuxedo, Mel's bridesmaid dress, Grant "smelling" like designer aftershave. The "triumphant" beginning was a deliberate move on my part; you could say that Pete and his friends are practically living in one of those teen movies where the geeks win over the popular kids, which makes the transition to Older Pete even more jarring.

What needs to improve: The adjective and adverb abuse, along with the lack of snap in the dialogue; there's something morbid about Grant using Lauren as a way to cut Pete down, and more so when it's later implied (too subtly?) that Pete was married to Lauren when she died. But I'll find a way around that as soon as I get the first third of the screenplay down pat.

Got notes and suggestions? Interested in collaborating, critiquing, or editing? Post a message in the Comments box!


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